Opinion | Christmas Song Countdown (1/2)

The 5 top worst Christmas songs of all time (that I can remember)

By Tamara Paulsen

 

Since we are in the festive season, I feel it’s only fair that we talk about the music we are going to be hearing for the next month or so. Ready for the worst songs you will be hearing over and over while last minute shopping? 

 

5. It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas – Anybody

This is the song your annoying friend sings to get on your nerves. I feel like this song has only ever been sung obnoxiously, it’s the original ‘Do you wanna build a snowman?’ but without the cutesiness or the novelty.

 

4. Mistletoe – Justin Bieber

I don’t know if it’s the fact that Bieber was still insufferably vanilla and boring at this point in his career, or if it’s the disinterested tone in his voice, but this song genuinely puts me to sleep, and not in a good way.

 

3. Santa Buddy – Michael Buble

Santa Baby was a coy song from a girl who wanted as many materials as she could get. Originally by Eartha Kitt, the song has a playfulness to it that seemed to almost poke fun the ‘sugar baby’ aspects of it. Michael Buble is not what I think about when I hear ‘coy’. Especially considering he is approaching Santa less like a sugar daddy and more like a stranger at a pub you wanna convince to buy you a beer. “Santa pally” just makes me nauseous.

 

2. Do They Know it’s Christmas? – Band Aid 1984

I get that the song is to raise money for charity and that the Christmas season is the best time to catch us in a ‘giving mood’ (don’t know why really, I’m always skint around this time buying everyone I know presents), but for god’s sake, can this song be more patronizing than it already is? Some of these lines are just terrible, ‘where the only water flowing is the bitter sting of tears’ ‘the Christmas bells that ring there, are the clanging chimes of doom’ – you know that Africa isn’t a country right? It also isn’t all a freaking desert! Lastly, why do they need Christmas bells? What if they don’t celebrate Christmas? Why are your religious and celebratory beliefs so important to thrust upon the people of an entire continent? The song just reeks of ego and falls flat in anything regarding actual substance. I get what they were aiming for, but they failed.

 

1. Christmas Shoes – The Newsong

As far as bad Christmas songs go, this one takes the cake! It even has a li’l story: a man who doesn’t feel christmassy sees a boy who wants to buy shoes for his dying mother and helps him pay for them BAM! Christmas spirit restored! The idea seems harmless enough, until you actually start thinking about it… This child is alone at a store on Christmas eve trying to scrape pennies to buy his dying mother shoes. No adults with him, no one to try to help him through what is clearly a way for this poor kid to process the fact that his mom might be ‘meeting jesus tonight’. Nothing. To top it off, our narrator/singer person is so freaking self involved that he pays for the shoes and then pats himself on the back ‘I knew I caught a glimpse of heaven’s love as he thanked me and ran out’, basically ‘gee darn aren’t I such a good person? That little boy was suffering and I helped him through enabling consumerism based grief’. But the worst part is the lyric right after that. Not only does this narrator feel the need to boast about how awesome he was to a poor child with a dying mother but he has the nerve to think that this was all god’s plan to make him feel more in the Christmas spirit, I am not joking, go to minute 3:32 he literally says “I knew that God had sent that little boy to remind me just what Christmas is all about”. I don’t know who this song was intended for, but I certainly wouldn’t feel comfortable singing this around the fire with the family.

Join me next time to prove I’m not a grinch by listing out the 5 absolute best Christmas songs you’ll hear during this festive season!

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